May 5, 2010

I almost hauled off and slapped a woman in Walgreen’s today.  She made a seemingly innocent and observant comment, but it was just enough to push me over the edge for that moment.  Go there with me for a second.  I have a preschooler struggling to get away from me with all her might on my right side.  I have a 18-month old whining and rubbing his eyes in my left arm. A huge diaper bag is bumping me on the back with each step. Oh, and I’m trying to hold on to the tub of vaseline and prescription that necessitated this trip.  So, I walk past Little Miss Looky-loo and she says the most hated phrase of my time as a mother, “Boy, you sure do have your hands full!”  The rage that bubbled up inside of me at that moment made me want to drop everything and slap that lady for her insensitivity.

Now, the Army would have you believe that after my years of combat experience I’m a steely eyed killer, capable of defending myself against all enemies foreign and domestic, that’s why I wanted to slap her. Or maybe it could be seen as a case of unresolved post-traumatic stress disorder. But, the truth is that people are notorious for saying crazy things to mothers and I’m sick of it! Why would you walk past someone obviously struggling, to the extent that you need to speak about it, and then continue on with your day? If you see that I have my hands full, offer to help me! If you’re too busy or self-absorbed to help me, which is fine because I’ll make do without you, at least have the courtesy to shut your mouth.  But, to see someone in need of help, verbally recognize that they need help, and then continue on with your life is criminal.  It happens to moms everyday though, and we just have to deal with.  As if the whining kids, dirty dishes, and endless duties aren’t enough, we’ve got the Miss Looky-loos of the world making statements of the obvious.  This “Boy, you’ve sure got your hands full” comment is followed closely by the despised, “You SURE are big!” comment that we have to endure during pregnancy. It’s a wonder that more mothers haven’t been incarcerated for assault just by responding to the rudeness of total strangers.  Maybe it’s because we’re too busy wrestling with the kiddos to land a punch.  So this Mother’s Day, hug your mom if she’s here, pray for all of the moms trying to make it through everyday with their precious little ones, but most importantly keep your mouth shut if you’re not willing to help with the kids! 

 

I’ve never been good at math. The whole concept of being excited about numbers just boggles my mind. But, it’s so useful! Where would we be in our lives if someone hadn’t taken the time to properly calculate how much weight an elevator can hold to operate safely? Thank God for the scientists that methodically tested crash dummies to make our cars safe. But, there is one type of math that tickles me to pieces everyday and it’s called Kidonometry. Never heard of it? It’s the calculation of how adding children to life circumstances gives you a vast array of solutions. I’m sure you’ve done a few equations in your day.

Kidonometry starts off simple and sweet. The basic equation is 1 man + 1 woman = 1 precious little newborn baby.  The math quickly goes down hill into increasing complex equations that don’t really have a pattern or predictable response.  I recently had a trip which took my understanding of Kidonometry to a new level.  We went to my parents’ house for the weekend and the start of the equation was quite simple: 1 mom + 2 kids + 3.5 hour drive.  We’ve done the drive nearly a dozen times and never had any issues.  The trip to Atlanta was one that I thought I could do in my sleep. This is where kidonometry earns its place as the most complicated of all math forms. Unfortunately on this trip, my resulting equation ended up looking like this: 1 mom + 2 kids + 3.5 hour drive = 6 fights over toys + 2 animal cracker tossing matches + 1 bath in the rest stop sink + arrival 5 hours later at Grandma’s.  I had no reason to think I would have to bathe my child at the rest stop but after mastering Intro to Kidonometry with my first kid, I knew to always have a change of clothes and towels in the car. I thought the animal crackers would help calm the cries, not kick off a game of “how many bears can we get in Mom’s hair?”  My crumb-filled head was spinning, my ears were ringing, and I started to laugh to keep from having a nervous breakdown along I-20. All I can do is keep my notebook ready for my Kidonomery pop quizzes!