January 27, 2012

 

I never say goodbye, it's way too final. I always keep it at "see ya later." We packed up and moved our family from the comfort of our gorgeous home in Columbia, SC to the icy Mid-Atlantic last week. We were greeted on I-95 by freezing rain and snow covered grass. I was born in Miami, raised in Atlanta, and went to college in Cali. Snow is not a friend of mine.

 We knew the move was coming. We got the orders back in Oct. We prepared the house for rent and found a property manager. We had our baby dedicated to Christ the week before and prepared our church family for our move.  I purged the house, as much as possible. I mapquested the route and prepared some possible stops.  Then, I spent time hanging out with my friends. It was amazing. There were lots of hugs, a little bit of reminiscing, but I was handling the move like a champ. Until, I had to return a ladder to my neighbor.

 We were blessed with the best neighbors on the planet.  The phenomenal momma is part comedienne, babysitter, and a doula.  She was single-handedly responsible for keeping me sane through 14 hours of labor and the resulting c-section.  Her children are absolutely hilarious and brought us so many hours of laughs, I smile each time I think of their precious faces.  The warm-hearted dad of the bunch rough housed with my kiddos when my hubby was in Iraq, too far away to toss them upside down the way only a dad can.  So, when I bounced up their steps for the last time, a small boulder rose in my throat. I was prepared for everything else, but I wasn't prepared for missing the neighbors.  We would find a new house, we would find new friends, but never neighbors like them.  There's a certain comfort in knowing that you have comrades in life just across the street from you. We commiserated about sleepless nights.  We marveled at the crazy things our toddlers did. We ran into each other at the grocery store and had a blast each and every time we got together. Now, I live across the street from an apartment building. I'm not going over there.  Hug your fabulous neighbors while you can! Be blessed.

 “Teacher, which is the most important commandment in the law of Moses?”  Jesus replied, “‘You must love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, and all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. A second is equally important: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ The entire law and all the demands of the prophets are based on these two commandments.” -Matthew 22:36-40

January 4, 2011

Tomorrow is my 32^nd birthday.  On the outside, it will look like any other.  I’ll have a cake, I’ll be with my family, I’ll blow out some candles but inside it will hold a special value for me because it’s the first birthday that almost wasn’t.

Last January I wanted to kill myself. I was the busy mom of two and had been a stay at home mom for 5 years.  I had been essentially raising my children alone for the last 18 months because my husband was a company commander and only home for 6 hours of the day and those were spent sleeping.  We were about to start our 3^rd deployment, my hubby was training in Louisiana for a few weeks and was scheduled to leave for Iraq in May.  I was overwhelmed by life but looking forward to the prospect of having a kid in kindergarten and one in preschool so then I could finally go back to work and pursue my life of writing.  Things were hectic but they were just about to get better. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

Unfortunately, the light was a speeding train headed my way. You cannot imagine the devastation when a late period led to a positive pregnancy test.  My world instantly shattered. How could I be pregnant? I was on birth control, and practically abstinent! I never wanted 3 kids. There was no way that I could handle 3 kids alone. Even worse, my hubby would just get on the plane and fly off to Iraq leaving me to deal with everything alone. I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t pour more of myself into another human being, I had no more to give.  I wasn’t happy with the shell of a woman I had become. I had lost Cursha long ago under the dirty potty seats, snotty noses, play dates, and dinner makings. With another baby, she’d be gone forever. I might as well end it now. So I drank heavily for two nights and didn’t tell a soul about  my pregnancy or my plans.  I rationalized how things would go on without me. My hubby would remarry, someone else would easily play the mother role for my kids.  At ages 4 and 2 they were too young to ever remember me, so they wouldn’t even know I was gone. 

I checked off those boxes quickly, but then I got to my mom. My precious mother.  She would never get another daughter, everything that she had poured and prayed into me would be a waste.  She would have to sit through a memorial  for me, she would try to make sense out of why I ended my life.  She would tear herself up wondering why she missed the signs and why she couldn’t save me and she would have come up with nothing.  Because it didn’t make sense. So I called my mom and she was the first person I told. She understood and she was there for me.

I decided not to kill myself, but the baby would have to go.  I began getting information on abortions in the area.  It was so early, there was no beating heart. I figured that God would just have to forgive me and my hubby would never know.  As I picked up my phone to call a clinic, I just could do it. My heart kept reminding me the universal law of sowing and reaping.  If I sowed this seed of death in my family, where would we reap it? I saw that a part of me would die if I did away with our 3^rd child. After a few days, I came to the conclusion that the baby could stay and God would have to figure it out. Now this is the ridiculously abridged version because there’s no way I could recount the crying fits, drunken expletives shouted at God, and showdowns with my hubby.  But, everyone is alive and that’s what counts.

I would love to tell you that my life is a dream and I wouldn’t change a thing, but I can’t. The deployment was the hardest time of my life. I got professional help from a counselor, I’ve learned lots of coping and communication skills. Now, I take my life one day at a time.

Each day is filled with craziness.  Some days I’m a rock star and some days I’m a drop out.  One day I worked 8 hours at my job for the newspaper, went home and cooked a meal. Then got all 3 kids bathed, dressed, and in bed by 8:30 all by myself. On another day, we sat in our pajamas all day in a dirty house, ate cereal for our meals and I cried all through nap time.  Each day, God revealed His glory to me.  He showed me that He was still at work in my heart, my family, my home and that I was not able do things alone but that I had a network ready to support me.  He showed me my fellow military wife friends with 3 kids surviving and thriving. He showed me sista friends who would meet me at the children’s hospital and care for my little ones when I couldn’t.  He showed me that His love truly does stamp out all fear and all things are possible with God.  Most of all, He showed me that the enemy is a liar.  If you get nothing else from this post please know that life, is a precious promise of greatness.  Though things seem overwhelming and horrible, everything will work out if you just keep moving.  Give the situation to God each day.  Choose an abundant life each day and God will take care of the rest. Be blessed!

 

“This day I call the heavens and the earth as witnesses against you that I have set before you life and death, blessings and curses. Now choose life, so that you and your children may live” Deut. 30:19

 

April 4, 2011

We just got back from our family trip. We did not frolic through the waves of the Atlantic Ocean or hike through the landscape of the Appalachian Mountains. We went to Washington, D.C. and had an absolute blast!

My husband is about to deploy to a combat zone in defense of our nation for the third time. In a casual conversation during the holidays he said that he had never been to D.C. My first trip to our nation’s capitol was in the 7th grade. I also attended Howard University for a semester during college and truly fell in love with the city. I was in D.C. on 9/11 so, the capitol city holds a very special place in my heart. I nearly died of shock when my hubby, who we affectionately call Captain America confessed to never going! He was even hesitant when I told him that we should go to D.C. for our family trip. I stayed my course and started planning our trip.  

I happen to have a dear friend who lives in D.C.’s Dupont Circle that agreed to tolerate us invading her cute apartment for our stay. We toured the monuments and memorials, saw the White House, ate lunch in the Executive Army Mess at the Pentagon, walked the halls of the Capitol building, and just soaked in the amazing blessing that we were born with called American citizenship. What a blessing to be born in a country with such an amazing history.  The capitol building was built using African slave labor in the 1700-1800s.  Those slaves would leap for joy if they knew an African descendant was inaugurated as President of the United States on the steps of that same building 200 years later. God bless America.  Women were not even allowed in the first congressional chamber.  However, 200 years later there was a female Speaker of the House. God bless America. Puerto Ricans fought for years to be recognized as a respected part of this country. Today, a Puerto Rican woman is a Supreme Court Justice presiding in the highest court of our nation. God bless America.

The special thing about America which sets it apart is that the country came upon respecting differences without violent action from other nations. There were Americans fighting fellow Americans to free slaves in the Civil War.  Men and women stood together for equal female voting rights.  Other nations have been forced into solidarity and equality. It took WWII to stop the holocaust, it took immense economic pressure from western nations to end South African apartheid. In many world nations, enslaved people of the 1800s are still slaves today, not the President.  Women are still silent human possessions, not Speaker of the House. 

It is a blessing to be a citizen of a country where your past does not determine your future.  It was by divine appointment that we took our first breaths on American soil, while millions risk their lives for the chance of living here. America is far from perfect, but  the nation has come a long way over the years. After three days in D.C. my family was in awe of our nation and all that we have become. My hubby, Captain America, summed up the trip as an American duty, “Every single American needs to come here! This place is amazing!”  God bless America!

March 29, 2011 

 

Sorry, friends! I’ve been missing in action, but please believe that God has still been at work over here, and I’m sure in your lives also.  I haven’t been able to write anything of encouragement because I’ve been just trying to keep my own head above water. You know how the stewardess tells you to put the oxygen mask on yourself before trying to help someone else? Well, my mask has been malfunctioning!

I will spare you the long, soap opera details and just let you know that I was disrespected by a very close member of my family. I wasn’t slapped in the face, I didn’t get cussed out, this person just failed to do what she said that she would do.  That lack of action caused life-changing and irreversible things to happen in my life that I never wished would occur. I was furious at her, I was furious at God for letting this happen to me, and I was convinced that I was alone and unloved. These feelings went on for about two months, then I realized the madness had to stop. I was consumed with rage and hurt everyday. I could see nothing else but my hurt and my new overwhelming life that I would have to deal with as a result of being wronged.  

Then, God checked me.  God brought me to my knees in recognition of all the things that had gone right amidst being wronged.  I was hung up on how blatantly I had been disrespected, but haven’t I disrespected God?  I couldn’t believe that she could love me and yet think so little of me and my life. Hadn’t I shown the same contradictory love and disregard to God? I couldn’t see how to forgive her and move on, but where would I be today if God never forgave me for all that I have done?  Don’t I recite, “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us” with my little ones every night? But somehow this was too big of an offense to forgive.  Somehow I preferred to wallow in rage, hatred, and self-pity rather than forgive and move on with the healing process.  It is important to note that while I was going through all of this, she was completely clueless.  My family member was waking up daily with a smile on her face, she knew we had a serious spat but thought that things were on the mend. I decided to stop acting and to truly forgive. Not for her, not even for Jesus, but because I was over living a life outside of myself.  I was over having a strained marriage, screaming at my kids daily and wishing my life away.  I was ready to act like the blessed child of God that I am and always will be. I was ready to turn this new life challenge over to God and see Him work a miracle in my life.

So friends, if you are living a life full of rage and hate because of someone else, try forgiveness. You don’t have to forget, you don’t have to pretend that it never happened. You do need to start with saying out loud, “I forgive you.” Say it until it sinks into your spirit and you believe it.  Then release the anger and trust in God to work your future out. You will still think about being wronged but don’t let it consume you, release it to God each time, and know that God has already given you the victory. If you can’t forgive for the sake of anyone else, do it for yourself. Do it for the joy God has for you to experience today and every day.  Be blessed!